link, start! [sigh] sword art online. it's been a while since the beta. wonder if they changed anything? aw, come on! really? that's just disgusting. activate ad-blocker. [chuckle] i am gonna burn this f**ker to the ground. [music]
[punch] wow, congrats. you were defeated by a pig. f**k you, man. that's like the pig from hell! really? my god. i've stumbled across the most powerful weapon in the game! stop. the mithril pebble of pig-smiting. please stop. [deep breath]
don't... for you see, long ago, this pebble was forged in the fiery pits of tartarus by the grand blacksmith of lucifer himself. in a time before the world began... ...and thus, mardosa, guardian of the pebble fell to his knees and passed from this world, leaving behind the mighty weapon. for he knew, that one day, its power would be required once more.
are you done? yes. but the legacy of the pebble lives on. i have a feeling you get beat up a lot in real life. shut up! here i have power! right. anyway, i've got a pizza coming and i'm gonna meet up with some friends later so thanks for the quick tutorial on pig slaying and the not-so-quick tutorial on...
rocks. ki–ri–to? hey, no problem. i had fun taunting you... ballsdeep69. yeah. it's, uh... it's, uh, just a joke name. just a character to dick around with while i get the hang of the game. i'm gonna make my real character later. yeah, yeah. no, no, i get it. so...
um, your pizza? right, right. loggin' out. hey, kirito. um, total noob question but how do i log out? are you serious, man? come on man, it's nerve gear. i can't alt-f4 this sh*t. (nooooooo! no alt-f4) alright, fine. it's right... here?
oh, thanks, player's guide. no, it's here, it's just blank. wait, there's something scrolling across mine. hahahahaha– hahahahahaha– hahahahaha– hahahaha– i get it. wait wait wait, wait wait, there's more;
ha. riveting. well, whatever. i'll just pull the nerve gear off, like so! hey, dumbass, it doesn't work that way. the nerve gear disables your motor functions so you don't move around while you play. don't you remember all those videos of the beta testers? woah. it's so life-like. oh, hey man, how's th–
troll! [punching] so many lawsuits. um, do you feel tingly? no, why? [beeping] what the hell is that? well, ballsy, i believe the locals call it a... hexagon? not sure if i'm pronouncing that correctly, i'll have to check back with you.
f**k off. and the sky is bleeding. man, they're really working for that m rating. oh my god, what's going on? don't worry, baby. i'll protect you. oh! it's a person. ladies and gentlemen. i am kayaba akihiko, head programmer. welcome to the unparalleled online experience that is... sword art online
[crowd talking] hello, hel–hello. um, hello! people! kinda talking here. focus. kay, i'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat h– do you think he realizes he just muted himself? give it a minute. alright, i just realized what happened there. it's very funny, but right now, serious time. how many of you have seen tron?
[silence] eh? what, seriously? none of you have seen tron? sh*t, i was really banking on that. okay, okay, no problem. i can wing this. [clears throat] much like the world of warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. unlike wow, however, you are being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f**king lives.
there is no longer any way to log out of sword art online. if someone on the outside attempts to log you out by removing your nerve gear... well, has anyone seen scanners? scanners. it's a movie that– seriously? okay, give me a sec. alright, here we go. watch this: [explosion] okay, that was from scanners. and basically that. [crowd gasps]
okay, finally seeing some gears turning. we're making progress. why would you do such a thing! steven? steven, is that you? steven, how are you enjoying that advanced copy? i'm playing with my family! ah haha, that's right. happy birthday, timmy! [crying] ah, they grew up so fast. cherish these moments, steven. cherish these moments. so as i was saying, the only way to keep the nerve gear from going all gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through castle aincrad and beat sword art online.
so you want us to beat an mmo? essentially. f**k you! woah, getting a lot of hostility here. don't appreciate it. well honestly, when was the last time you heard of someone beating everquest? when was the last time you heard of someone playing everquest? that's fair. anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls, and you know who you are, well, i've got a surprise for you.
kirito? hm? you're not a girl! and you're not seventeen! i'm okay with this. me, too! love knows no gender! you look so... young. and you look less hairy, balls.
my name is klein. hehe. no it's not. as you can see, i have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are: fairly attractive twenty-somethings. apparently. good for you. kind of undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing i had planned. but, still. way to break down stereotypes. except you, fatty. way to bring down the curve. oh oh oh, one more thing, one more thing. i should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.
what? ah, okay. if you die in the game, you die for real. really? okay. sometimes, things are born. they live, and then they stop. forever. [gasps] oh my god! if we die in the game, we die for real! yeah, i'm just gonna keep that tabbed. and with that, i bid you all adieu. oh, last thing, i swear. i disabled the profanity filter. have fun with that. [pop]
we're fucked! ballsy, i'm heading to the next town and i need your help. really? you need my help? yeah. there's a mini-boss on the way and i need some cannon fodder. you in or out? as tempting as that sounds, i really should stick with my friends back there. they're about as skilled as i am so i figure we have a better chance of surviving if we stick together. well, monkeys and typewriters. in any case, you may be the most unbearable asshole i've ever met, but you are really good at this game. we could use you in our group. what do you say?
you can meet my friends, we'll form a guild and have all these adventures. it'll be great! [crow cawing] well, screw you, too! think you're too good to join my guild. think you're all cool cause you know how to kill a boar. [sobbing] he called me an asshole! [heavy breathing]
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